Genesis of the Cattle Class
May 31st, 2017 at 11:19 pm
Genesis of the Cattle Class

By Maskwaith Ahsan;

The cattle class has been fighting around the cow for so long now that the cow has proven itself to be the most powerful actor of politics.

Since the 1857 War of Independence, Hindus and Muslims have failed to unite only because of the cow. To Hindus, she is their mother goddess so they want Muslims to stop eating beef.

But Hindu businessmen have no problem slaughtering their mother goddesses and exporting them to other beef-eating Christian and Muslim countries. Their only issue is with the Muslims of India eating beef.

Muslims in Pakistan and Bangladesh are also adamant to dance around Hindu sentiments, so much so that they make it a point to have beef kebabs right under their noses.

India cow

Cow worshiping

Feeding beef to Hindus claiming its mutton has for decades been part of secret Muslim pleasures, as is throwing slaughtered cow waste in front of Hindu homes.

Just as the cow was a decisive factor in the partition of India, it continues to decide till date which party should be in power in India. In Pakistan and Bangladesh the same cow decides which Hindu family should leave its motherland for India, so that Muslims can occupy their homes and properties.

Every South Asian child is forced in school to memorize the essay on “the cow”. Obviously there are different narratives of this essay for Hindu and Muslim children.

Actually these two narratives work as dominant discourses of the sub-continental history. Every politician in South Asia has directly or indirectly benefitted from these two types of “Cowism”, hence their brains are always in harmony with the cow. People while choosing their leaders look for qualities of a perfect Cowist.

On the streets of major South Asian cities people walk like carefree cows, drive cars like reckless cows and VIPs move around cities like mad cows. Recently, on social media the cattle classes of South Asia could be seen moo-ing, arguing and eventually shitting like cows.

As an outcome of the corruption revolution in the subcontinent, Hindu and Muslim cattle classes both took inspiration from Jews and started running after the Golden Calf in attempts to acquire neo-affluence.

To maintain the supremacy of their cattle kin they sent their children to English-medium schools and tried to keep others restricted to government schools and Madrassas so that in the guise of the Raj accent their caste could reign supreme.

Bangladesh cow class

A cow fashion-show was organised in Dhaka in 2015 – Photo collected

Contrary to their practices and beliefs, this cattle class is fond of lecturing on equality. With the fickle memory of a cow they easily forget the sufferings they endured at the hands of their colonial masters, thus becoming ghosts of their past rulers and demanding to be addressed as “Sir” or “Madam” even if it’s only by their domestic help.

Then there are the cattle class intellectuals who try to keep the ruling herd pleased with the glibness of their tongues, spewing out newly learnt terminologies like secularism, inclusivity and liberty.

Social and political behaviors based on these terminologies take at least three generations to get fully ingrained into human DNA. So the moment these nouveau intellectuals sense a shift in power structure, they revert to their true colors aptly changing their lyrics and tunes in sync with religious cow sentiments. Those who, in their prime, wooed many a girl with the romanticism of Karl Marx, suddenly metamorph into their cattle master’s voice.

When religion and politics become interchangeable, the only fortune to be made is by selling sentiments of religion and nationalism. This ticket gives the holder the mandate to then loot the nation, kill the haves-not and rape women, children and cattle.

The cattle class of the subcontinent has the biggest ego on Earth, their entire life is based on comparisons with others and with the core question always burning in their heart whether they are superior to others or not.

Mutual respect and equality is next to impossible in the dictionary of this glorious cattle class. From childbirth selfie till funeral selfie, their only purpose is to prove something. At the end of the day, the only thing they are able to prove without doubt is that they lived the life of a foolish cow. Long live Cowism!

Bangladeshi writer

Maskwaith Ahsan is an expatriated journalist and writer